JUST BURN THE DAMN COUCH!

We all do stupid things in our lives.  Some of us do more stupid things then others.  Sometimes because we are trying to fit in, sometimes because we want to be popular, sometimes we are trying to have fun, sometimes its just to get attention… it could be alcohol induced or a cry for help or it could be just sheer stupidity. But you know what’s worse than doing stupid things? Its the people who just won’t let it go. Okay you’ve made a mistake for any of the reasons I mentioned above and you think…”its okay, its behind me, it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to turn out but its forgotten” and you move on with your life. But there are those few people, whether trying to be funny, whether trying to be mean, whether just so shallow they don’t realize what they are doing seem to harp on your stupid moment forever and ever. Are they thinking “Lets not let them forget they did something stupid, wrong or embarrassing”?

People who know me know I’ve done a lot of stupid things… and probably for all the reasons I’ve mentioned above. Because of its some people like me and say “he’s wacky”, others say “that guy is totally nuts”, others know “he’s on some meds” (See High Anxiety), others think “he’s a drunk”. I’ve had people say “you’re insecure” others say “you are a lot of fun”, some say “I never want to talk to that guy again, he’s creepy, he’s nuts, he’s an oddball”. But generally they say it one time and move on, the don’t punish me at nausea but sometimes there are those few people who won’t let something go and have to remind you of it constantly, they get some sort of perverted joy at keeping a person miserable even MONTHS later.

A few months ago I went to a party after getting my nipple pierced (see Mid-Life Crisis?).  Prior to getting my nipple pierced I had taken two Percocets to help me deal with the pain and within an hour I was at the party drinking. I drank a lot. It was a small party, only 6 people in total and as I said I was drunk and having a blast. So hence alcohol rears its ugly head in my continuing saga of stupidity, but wait!!! there’s more. I have known 5 of the 6 people for many years (my partner for 32 years and the other 4 I have known for between 5 and 10 years but the 6th person I had just met that night. I liked the 6th person and thought he was a lot of fun but oh what a terrible first impression I was making combined with the fact that my first impression was wrong, this was a nasty man whom I had totally misinterpreted as being easy going and fun. I even asked him to friend me on Facebook that night, what a mistake!

At one point the conversation turned to “cute underwear” okay we were a group of gay guys, one of the required topics of discussion “cute underwear”, “cute guys”, “sex”, etc.  I had just purchased a pair of what I thought of as cute (now mind you I’m going through my “mid-life crisis” too, at least what I interpret as a mid-life crisis so I want to give the impression of a vibrant youthfulness that in reality I have no business trying to emit) and so in my continual effort to display my youth (and not so bad body for a middle aged man) I had to show off my “cute underwear”. Our young host got into the spirit and started showing his too, of course being in his 20’s as opposed to me in my 50’s his were much cuter, as was his body, and his modeling, etc. So after a few minutes of showing off our underwear the conversation shifted to something else (can’t really recall) but our young host took my partner to show him something in another room and our second host went to the bathroom which left me, my friend I have know for many years, and the new guy that I had just met that night. So being so drunk, having fun, just having gone through an underwear fashion show I said “Watch this” and I got undressed and laid on the couch in what I felt was as provocative as I could be (for a 50 year old man).

When our host emerged from the bathroom he did a double take and said “What the Fuck!” and laughed and went into the kitchen to get a drink. My partner and second host emerged from the other room and were equally surprised but it gave everyone (or at least in my drunken stupor thought it gave everyone) a good laugh. My biggest mistake wasn’t that I got naked as a joke but that I didn’t get dressed right away, I was having fun and since I was already naked I sat there for a while carrying on the bit, nothing sexual, just being a drunken annoyance but I guess joke did get old. I didn’t think that anyone was offended and had I realized that later I would become the butt of numerous jokes I’m sure I would have never done what I did. I have friends that have done far worse when drunk which include such things as drunk driving, starting fights, falling to the ground and needing help to stand and at their worst even performed oral sex on dance floors of night clubs but I have NEVER made fun of these people afterwards.

The next day I emailed my hosts and apologized for having conducted myself in this way, both said that it was no problem, the younger of the two said he had done things too when drunk and I had nothing to be ashamed of, and actually I wasn’t ashamed, I just realized what I had done was not appropriate in that setting. Using Facebook I contacted the guy that I had never met before and assured him that this was not the way I normally conduct myself, I explained about the piercing and Percocet’s and that I was sure I made a negative first impression. He told me that I had at the very least made an “interesting” first impression and I thought “great…no one was really too bothered by my actions”. My partner told me that he found the whole thing erotic and my other friend hinted at the same such feelings as my partner so no harm right? Only six of us were at the party and apparently my digression from sanity was water under the bridge. That is until the sarcastic Facebook postings started…

“My poor couch will never be the same”

“You need to burn your couch”

“Maybe you should put plastic covering on your couch”

“I need to buy a new couch”

Okay… these were funny, and I didn’t mind them but then someone who wasn’t at the party asked “What happened?” and then someone else who wasn’t at the party responded “Trust me I wasn’t there and I heard all about it, you don’t want to know”… okay so now I’m feeling a bit of a sting, starting to become embarrassed, even though these guys had said “Don’t worry about it” they were sharing the memory of the event a bit differently than I had recalled it and their later “not big deal” reaction to it. Still, while embarrassed I tried to play it off as being “not so bad” and just to show that I wasn’t ashamed I responded back something like “I got really drunk and got undressed”… well the first person that asked “What happened” said “I’m glad I didn’t go” then the conversation turned to “There are appropriate places to do that” with mention of times and places where my actions would have been more acceptable… I was now being reprimanded by people. WTF!

Okay now I’m embarrassed but I think still this will fade soon, almost everyone in my circle of friends (and outside of it) has done something stupid at one point or another but a few weeks later when I was preparing to go camping at The Woods Campground in PA (which is clothing optional) my nude performance was brought up again and I was told perhaps now I should consider taking off my clothes, someplace where it was more appropriate and acceptable, now my embarrassment is turning into a bit of anger, “when are these idiots going to let the matter drop?”, I’m embarrassed, I’m regretful, I’m angry, but I’m still dealing with it.

So several months have passed, I’m once again camping at The Woods Campground and it happens to be “Nude Weekend” so almost everyone is naked (so to my friends who won’t let my actions be forgotten “Yes” I am naked at an appropriate place). All the events are themed around nudity and actually although I normally don’t get naked unless at the pool I have participated and found the events to be fun, even commenting to one of my friends that I was enjoying the experience. Later between “nude” parties I checked Facebook only to find that the whole “couch” thing has been brought up again, and I wasn’t even part of the conversation. When was this going to be dropped? I mean it wasn’t as if I had murdered someone and my so-called friends should realize by now that I have become embarrassed and ashamed by what I did, but they keep bringing it up. In another attempt through heated cheeks of embarrassment I attempted to play along to show that what I had done was not a big deal, I mentioned that I was a naked weekend and that it was a lot of fun, I mentioned a specific party “Naked Cheese and Wine” party and I was reminded that unlike the party with my friends this one had “Naked” in the title and then the conversation turned to discussing the manufacture of male cheese (or “smegma”) and who would be brining that type of cheese…

So I guess I am going to have to live with my actions forever since here it is months later and people are still discussing it… I just know that I’m sorry for my actions, I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I have asked for forgiveness and apologized to all those that were offended at the party, to those who weren’t at the party please let it go, you didn’t have to deal with my inappropriate actions and if you still want to reprimand me all these months later I understand there were more appropriate places I could have done this, I understand I had too much to drink, I understand I am probably an alcoholic, I understand that normal people don’t do such things… I UNDERSTAND! I made a mistake now please “JUST BURN THE GOD DAMNED COUCH”.

Oh and so the WORLD WILL KNOW I offered to buy my host a new couch. He told me it wasn’t necessary.

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• The 8 Kinds Of Drunk You Can Be (thoughtcatalog.com)