Despite people saying you are only as old as you feel, every day I feel older and older. So at 50 I might as well be 80. I have been attending a conference the last few days and it will continue tomorrow in its final day. Most of the men and women in this room are in their 40’s and up but there are those few that are so young I can’t stand to look at them. I think how lucky they are to be where they are in their lives and doing something so important at such a young age. When I was in my 20’s or 30’s as so many people here are I trudged my way through life with no thoughts of where I would be when I would be 50 years old and the young people in the conference that I’m attending are so far ahead of where I was at that age, educationally and financially it only makes be feel like more of a failure.
Looking back now I wasted so much time seeking frivolous youthful pleasures. Enjoying life was a high priority for me, going out and having fun, all the meaningless and wasteful things so many young people outside of this room (those in this room are too well put together) are going to do, many of which will find that they are in the same mindset when they are my age, realizing they are 50 years old, fat, old, ugly, and near death. My mother used to tell me as she aged that she was feeling pretty worthless and I have to say that I’m becoming my mother’s son, I feel pretty worthless and don’t have good feeling about my future. She used to say that old people resented youth out of jealousy and I always told her I thought this notion was silly but now I am a junior senior citizen and I understand where she was coming from. When I see young people I find that I am reminded how old I am and how useless I’ve become. I’m functioning, surviving, eating, sleeping and still seeking frivolous pleasures but non of these things make me feel that I am a worthy anymore.
I know that I’m still smack dab in the middle of a mid-life crisis but the crisis is winning and beating me down. When I first started dealing with the realization that I was becoming a living and breathing antique (i.e. Mid-life crisis) I started working out and doing my best to get fit, as I mentioned in previous posts I started getting tattooed, pierced and a bunch of stuff that a person will do to desperately retain whatever snippets of youth they can but I still pretty much only see an old man in the mirror and since I haven’t worked out in several month now I am seeing an old FAT man in the mirror. Looking at my gut, my face, my gray hairs sprouting at my temples and on my chest I see all the things that remind me of death and the closer I get the more ready I feel I am for it all to be over. Maybe this is the way its supposed to be, we age and get tired, and ready so we are prepared for death and if that’s the why we go through these physical changes then apparently are working.
I look at where my life is and what I have achieved and it is nowhere near where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. I’m not depressed and I know this because I have a doctor that has confirmed this, he says I’m anxious but doesn’t believe that depression is part of my problem (I kind of think of Sheldon Cooper on “The Big Bang Theory” when he says “I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested”). Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to die, I’m not suicidal or anything stupid like that and as much as I dislike where I am in life right now I value this life as I know it is a fragile thing and so many people aren’t going to live as long as I have or even weren’t as lucky (if you can really call this luck, perhaps cursed is a better description) to live to be as old as I have become. I know people who are older than I am but they haven’t lost the battle to go on or the willingness to try to find joy in this existence and I feel like I have. If it weren’t for my dogs and my husband needing me so much I would be ready to go today because there is nothing worth staying for outside of those that need me. If there is a “god” which most logical people know there isn’t then I am ready for the damnation his bible storybook has taught me awaits. I am not a good person, your god knows that I’ve done things I’m not proud of and perhaps I am deserving of an eternity of burning for thoughts I’ve had, things I’ve said, things I’ve done, but deep down I try to do good and for anything I may have done bad in life, I am sorry, I am truly sorry. I’m not happy anymore and if the point of this existence is to simply endure trials while waiting for the next life then bring it on even if the 2nd life is never ending pain and punishment by a wrathful, arrogant, self-serving god then so be it.
Young people have no idea how lucky they are to be where they are at this point and that it will all fade so swiftly. We older people know despite their current feelings of immortality they are destined for what we elders feel now, sorrow and sadness as we face our frail and worthless existence coming to an end and all I can think when I see them is that one day they will be where I am at, before they know it they will be sprouting gray hairs, feeling pains, growing fat, wrinkles and generally feel ugly. They may have children to be with them as they grow old and die. Then their children will start their temporary journey on this planet and soon they will have children who will grow old and die, and then their children will have children and grow old and die and on and on and on. What is the point? When we are young we don’t appreciate what we have and in fact we are often disrespectful to those people we perceive as old flaunting an embarrassment of richness of youth. I know that I am an anomaly and most people don’t feel worthless, I don’t have a terrible life and really have no reason to feel this way. I have a roof over my head and food in my refrigerator, I have a good job and money in the bank. I’m only suffering in my mind and realize that as bad as I make things sound I actually am quite lucky to be were I am at; its just that I find no joy or point in this existence so I guess I will just ride things out until my demise; continue trudging through this meaningless and senseless day to day existence.