Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

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Okay, so decidedly I am not a good person.  I try to be, I feel like I care about people and try to be nice to people, but I’m not a good person and people see through me. I try to help out people when I can, I give money to charities (Animal charities only unless its for someone I know such as a coworker doing a fund drive for their kid) But I’m still an evil person. When I buy gifts for people I usually spend more than I can afford and if I’m buying for two or more people for the same reason (i.e. Christmas) I always make sure I spend the same amount on each person so no one gets short-changes (drives my partner crazy), but still I’m like a bug whose only purpose in life is to be squashed. I want to be good, truly I do, I try my damnedest to try to be a good human being but I fail in all my attempts. There is something about me, something that makes it so easy for people to hate me, disregard, hold contempt for me, and I don’t understand what it is I do or say. Granted, I bring a lot on myself but no matter how nice I believe I am being to people or doing right by people they will invariably attack me for something I said or did I’m not even aware I did and my inclination (especially when these are public attacks) is to attack back and usually at my own expense making people say “What’s wrong with him?”.

In some cases its my non-belief in god that makes it easy for people to attack me. As good loving Christians they feel it is better to alienate those in the here in now in hopes the fantasy after-life may or may not be waiting for them once their corpses are rotting in the ground, hate to tell them but the rotting part is the extent of what they will get for all their sacrifices. But if you want to live your one and only life for your death then enjoy!

In other cases its the straight people reacting in their defense of family and the status quo (and usually their fanatical Christian beliefs, so we’re back to religion again). I am nothing to them, just a queer. To quote a lady from years ago “HE’S JUST A FAG!!!” At least her representation of what it means to be heterosexual is being less and less of the general consensus of the feeling towards the LGBT population (although I anticipate at some point these straights are going to say “Enough is enough, you queers are getting a little TOO equal” and that’s when the backlash will begin.

Then there are my gay and lesbian friends. I just don’t understand why it’s so easy for them to hate me or be mean to me. I mean they are supposed to be my own kind but ever since my first introduction to the gay world back when I was 16 years old I have found that a majority of gays are nasty catty spiteful arrogant better-than-thou wannabes.

Maybe its just me??? Maybe I think I’m being nice and I’m not? Maybe my kindness is a tenth of the kindness that everyone else exhibits and I only believe that I am kind. Maybe I am pure evil? Although I hear so often from people who know me my biggest problem is that I am too nice. Really? You would think it would be hard for people to be mean or derogatory towards people that are nice to them. But somehow I manage to get a nice healthy dose of mean from everyone I meet. Not always at first but eventually, after they get to know me. Maybe because I’m just weak and its fun for the stronger, more evolutionary fit personality to take me down as a lion takes down a gazelle.  I just don’t get it. I asked a friend once why did he think it was people to not like me and he said it wasn’t a matter of not liking me so much as that I take everything so serious. He said I’m a constant worrier and I take everything personally. Can those reasons really be enough for people to hate me?

The other night I was at dinner (New Years Eve dinner) at a very fancy hotel restaurant in downtown Baltimore. I wasn’t going to go at first but another couple (See: Worst Experience Ever – It Goes Both Ways!! – Yes, this was the couple that went camping with us) who were going asked if my partner and I would commute with them and promised that we would leave after dinner rather than do the lengthy monotonous and wasteful ritual of getting drunk while waiting with childish excitement for the clock to hit midnight.  Fine, but we did agree that one drink after dinner at a local gay bar within walking distance would be acceptable.

When we arrived at the dinner there were the two friends that had arranged the event and were kind enough to invite us, another person we had never met before, and then a person with whom I was acquainted through the social group I run. (See “You are SOOOO Annoying!!“)

This person that I was acquainted with through our social group, for simplicity lets call him Theodore, joined the group two years prior but hadn’t been part of the group in quite sometime, he stopped attending events and participating in any Facebook posts. When the group started to fall apart he laid low and didn’t say too much. I liked Theodore and had nothing against him, in fact I was the first to break the ice with him at his first attendance of one of our events, I usually am the person who does this since I run the group. When social group finally imploded because of all the internal squabbling and drama it was like he fell off the earth, we lost all contact with him. It was a sad time for me because this group that I had worked so hard to maintain was gone.

About a month later Theodore started a new group and as he put it “using the ashes of what was {my group}” he started a new social group and invited me and my partner to participate. Again mind you, I was always friendly to Theodore and he always friendly to me. I was flattered that we were invited to attend because there were some people who had been key in the destruction of the original group that were involved in his new group so I assumed this would be an ideal way for me to meet with these people and say “lets let bygones be bygones” (is that the saying?) my point here is “forgive and forget”.  Unfortunately I couldn’t make his first event due to a conflict so I thanked Theodore for the invitation and politely declined saying that perhaps in the future we would attend. Done. I had no idea that I was included in the invite as an oversight.

A few days later I was curious as to how the first event for the new group went so I logged onto Facebook and was surprised to find that the group no longer existed. Could if have shut down before it even started? Wondering what could have happened I went to message Theodore and discovered that we were no longer friends. I was totally perplexed by this whole situation and decided that his group must have been a miserable failure and as a result he deleted his Facebook profile. I was wrong. It wasn’t until a few weeks later when I was at a party with some friends (See “JUST BURN THE DAMN COUCH!“) that I discovered that the group was still intact and that in fact, everyone at the party (with the exception of me and my partner) were members. So my friend that was hosting the party said “No big deal, I will just add you” I about fainted when it came back stating that “Banned members could not be added back”… WHAT! BANNED! FOR WHAT!?!?!?  Whatever. I didn’t need Theodore or his little group, I didn’t need any of them. I was banned and I assume it was for what had taken place during the demise of the previous social group so I assumed that I (and my partner) were somehow labeled the pariah of the whole mishap. After 8 years of running a group, friendships joined, relationships and even marriages by people through introduction to each other by participation with the group I had started I was now banned. I’m assuming that my leadership was a threat to this asshole. How dare he ban me when I had never done anything but run a great group and social medium. Could he have been threatened that if I returned people would gravitate towards me leading again. NAH… He was just being a fucking asshole.

So back to the New Years Eve dinner and here at the table and sitting practically across from me was Theodore. Well the HELL with him! I did nothing wrong to him, I was always kind to him, I welcomed him the social group when he was to shy to approach anyone, I always hugged him when I saw him, always been kind to him and he banned me from his stupid group. I pretended as if his seat were empty, he was dead to me. I barely acknowledged him the entire dinner and only spoke to him once and even that was highly uncomfortable…. BUT WAIT! IT GETS BETTER!!

Okay we’ve established that despite my never having done anything to Theodore he found it easy, with no hesitation or regret, to ban me from a group he created if it hadn’t been for my original group he wouldn’t even know the people with whom he was now associating, further proof that there must be something in my personality that makes it easy for people to negate, hate,  and attack me for no reason. Now I need to preface before I go any further….I have a “love/hate” relationship with Facebook (See “FACEBOOK! Argggghhh!!!!” and “Facebook Hypocrisy“) it has gotten me in trouble on several occasions due to miscommunication and on at least 2 occasions I shut down my account as a result of all the negative interactions. The problem is I truly do love Facebook probably as much as I hate it for the problems it causes. I see so much value in it and really want to keep the account. There are three things I am particularly fond of posting

1. I am an atheist and I am usually bombarded with “God Loves You” posts… I in turn enjoy posting banners and pictures with comments that argue against their god.  These aren’t “hateful” posts although good Christians take them as hateful, they are just posts that express facts which usually point out why their god concept is silly.

2. I have a friend that owns a tattoo shop. I have tattoos, I like tattoos. His business is in its infancy so to help him out I share his work and information about his store, trying to help drum up business for his store.

3. I have “German Shepherds” (3 of them) they are beautiful dogs, I love them and they are my life.

So to sum it up I do more than my fair share of Atheist Posts, Tattoo Posts, and German Shepherd Posts… (keep this in mind).

So we are sitting at dinner and waiting for the last person to arrive, I have no idea who it is we are expecting and in walks Rasputin (not his real name). Now I had only had three or four interactions with Rasputin in my entire life and I never realized that he too hated me (again because I guess its so easy to hate me for no reason) that is until this dinner. You see, Rasputin was the man that I met at the party where I stripped. He was the only person I had never met before and as I posted in my blog “JUST BURN THE DAMN COUCH!” I really liked Rasputin. I enjoyed our conversation (before I stripped) and thought that when we left each other that night I had made a new friend (I was wrong).  So meeting Rasputin was my first interaction.  The next few were only on Facebook and until this dinner I did not realize he was being mean and attacking me with those postings, I took them as simple comments, but throughout the night as I listened to him talking I became aware that his posts were meant to be digs. I also found out later he referred to me to another friend as a “Jerk” so I guess that pretty much meant he had issues with me. I didn’t realize he was being hateful, why would I think he was being hateful, he didn’t really know me nor I him.  The second was when I posted something about going crazy, his response was “I’ve only met you once and I think you are crazy”. I took the word “crazy” to mean “fun loving”. Un-uh…. Finally the third interaction, I had been watching Dr. Phil, which I HATE, but he said something like “we wouldn’t worry half as much about what people think about us if we realized how little they do think about us”…. Rasputin’s response: “Some people don’t care what people think about them by the things they post on Facebook”. Why would I think this meanness was directed at me? I didn’t even take it as meanness… I took it as an innocent comment made in general… NOPE! It was directed at me. Again, I didn’t know any of this until dinner he commented on me all the time to show how stupid I am among other things.

So a few minutes before Rasputin arrives and I realize who he is I jokingly announce to the table “Oh gawd he’s seen me naked”…everyone got a chuckle about this (mind you I go to clothing optional places so going naked is no big deal to me) and I thought when Rasputin arrived it would be a hoot well instead when Rasputin sat down I got a chill of a reception, he barely acknowledged me despite my having gone out of my way to say hello to him as he sat. So I realized, “Well, Rasputin doesn’t care for me either…” no biggie other than the fact that I’m sitting with two people that I have never done anything to that despise me… DESPISE you say? Rasputin doesn’t despise you… Oh no? About 20 minutes into dinner I heard him exclaim “I just don’t get is, all he does is post Tattoo stuff and Atheist stuff.  I wonder to myself  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Of course I don’t mind his German Shepherd stuff.” What was this? He had to be talking about me since I post all three things he mentioned, I was the topic of his conversation. My friends that were sitting across from me thought this was coincidence when I said rather loudly “I think people are talking about me” hoping to be overheard, after all I really didn’t know Rasputin other than the few encounters I mentioned. You tell me as a reader was he talking about me? Loudly mentioning Tattoos, Atheist Posts, and German Shepherds when I post Tattoo stuff, Atheist stuff, and German Shepherd Stuff? Had it not been for my friends who rode with me (I was the designated driver since I’m on my self-imposed sobriety period) I would have stormed out of that restaurant and quite possible made a scene doing so, I was so pissed of at that moment, but instead for the sake of everyone at this supposed “festive” event (festive for everyone other than for myself now knowing I was the subject of disdain).

After dinner we went to the gay bar for the final drink before heading home and I never said a word again to Rasputin or Theodore, as a matter of fact the party divided into two groups, my partner and myself in one and everyone else in the other. Now I ask you? WHAT MAKES IT SO EASY AND WHY OR HOW DO PEOPLE FIND IT SO EFFORTLESS TO HATE AND ATTACK ME?  I did NOTHING to either of these guys…NOTHING!

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2 Responses to Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

  1. Pingback: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? | Turning Things Around

  2. Pingback: Sober… Maybe? | Turning Things Around

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