I haven’t felt passionate about much lately so I haven’t written lately. I don’t know why my being passionate drives me to write but it does, but lately nothing seems important enough… don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed or anything and comically my “psychiatrist” confirms that I am not depressed (I say comically because I’m seeing a psychiatrist so obviously something is wrong, right?). He says that the only thing I suffer from is what he refers to as “General Anxiety”. Matter of fact he just “pumped up” my meds. He’s got me on yet another pill and that last thing I wanted to do was take another pill but they do help to quell my anxiety which is what they are supposed to do.
So being passionless at the moment I’ve decided to make an effort to add to this blog since I haven’t written in a while so as lackluster as this posting may seem it serves a purpose if nothing more than to say “Hey! this is what’s going on with me”. When I started this blog I wanted to write about all my regrets, how I deal with them and how I will deal with them going forward. But what do you write about when you have no passion? You could ramble on like I’m doing at the moment, hoping that with every word I will find my passion and I will discover what it is I am writing about tonight but nothing…no passion. Nothing that interests me enough to write about; not my friends on Facebook, not my job, not my dogs, my house, my community, my government, my relationship…nothing.
Some people would love to know that I’m passionless at the moment, they would thrive knowing that I have nothing to inspire me, nothing to drive me towards anything that would satisfy me, the people that don’t like me and if they are reading this they are smiling at this very moment. There is my social group, the one and only thing that interests me at the moment but I seem to be the only one that is truly interested in what is once again turning about to be a debacle of a social group. Why do I bother? Why do I continue with what is sure to fail? I don’t know…maybe I do have a passion for this one thing…an LGBT social group that is floundering at best. Despite a six-year run and my making every effort to reinvigorate our members I just can’t seem to get people to return. Everyone seems to negate all the good times and wonderful events, the friendships formed that endure to this day over the acts of a few…referring to the “drama” that has consumed the group over what equates to only about 10% of the time the group has existed. However the “drama” that did occur has had a long lasting impact. WHY? Why are we letting such a good thing simply die on the vine? People who met through the group and now enjoy friendships, I mean years long friendships that without the group would have never met (you know who you are) dog the group and its events using such derogatory terms as calling our “Happy Hours” at local bars “Crappy Hours”. I don’t get it, the group was created to make friends that share interests and lifestyles and instead its turned into a means by which catty gay people attack each other.
So I sit here still trying to find passion so that I can “feel” a need to write… but no… nothing. The drugs help me socially, they reduce my social anxiety or general anxiety or whatever you want to call it as long as you don’t call it depression (since my doctor says I’m not depressed). Despite my best effort I am failing tonight to write about anything of substance… so I’m going to let it end here… a passionless posting…